"Here watch this for a minute, I just have to do something real quick." They look at me with eyes wide of wonder. Contemplating if they really want to steal my 1998 Ford Escort that rattles like it's driving on train tracks on even the most perfect concrete. "Well, at least it's a car" i see the thoughts splinter through their soul. And yet, when i return to collect my prized item and i see them guarding it like a lioness watching her cubs. "Here are your keys, I got them for you." They are proud, they strut around with them like a metal on their neck.
Last week i dropped this little gem on a young man whom i adore. "Here will you watch my phone for a second, i'll be right back." To put this in context you need to understand that some of these boys have been locked up for years, are not allowed to make phone calls unless with their therapist, have no access to Internet, and are between the ages of 14 to 18. A phone is temptation city. I returned a few minutes later, and saw him fiddling with my phone, and just walked over and said "Hey can i have it back, i need to use it a second." He turned ghost white and handed the phone over. A few minutes later he walked over to me and said "Hey Simone, can I talk to you for a second in private, this is really important." "Sure, no problem" i said, and then it began - tears welling up in his eyes. "I know you trust me, you trust me so much, enough to leave your phone with me and I did something terrible. Terrible, I don't think you will ever be able to forgive me, or speak to me ever again. And, that's ok. I'll understand, you won't want to talk to me, and I won't be able to sleep tonight. And, you are one of the best people to me, really one of the best people I have ever met to me and I betrayed you...your trust." And, it just kept going. "What are you talking about?" I said to him. "Well, when i had your phone i started to go on a website with girls on it, but then I stopped myself...." He was shaking.
I don't know what you are thinking but at this point I was both touched, and beguiled. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that adults, not in jail, do worse things with less remorse everyday. He is a fifteen year old boy locked up, and has been for several years. If he didn't want to look at a pretty girl now and then I would be worried. But, I didn't say that to him, I paused and saw that this was a valuable experience in the beauty of our own conscious. Maybe a teaching moment that he could use the rest of his life. I also know this kid, I know his background, have read his files, know about the years of sexual abuse from his own family, the guilt he carries, and it was all coming out in this gesture. "Do you believe in forgiveness" I said to him." "Yeah, well I like to think that people can forgive, I but i don't really believe it" Again, he started to sob. "Do you believe that if you are honest, acknowledge a fault with a genuine heart that it's over with?" "Oh i would like to believe so Simone, but I've never seen it, I don't know I just am so sick right now, I'm so disappointed in myself, I hope that god can forgive me, I hope that I can still go to heaven." "Well, I'm not god, and I don't have all the answers but I have a feeling that god has ten times the amount of love and forgiveness that i do, and I forgive you. done, simple, wiped clean, like it never happened. Thank you for being honest with me, that takes a lot of courage and I respect that." He looked at me this fifteen year kid towering over me, his eyes wide, tears pouring out, and then he leaned over and hugged me. There are hugs, and then there are hugs like this - the kind you will never forget where years of pain, grief, guilt, and sadness lift in a moment. His body hung over my little self, and he rocked me as he sobbed convulsing. I had to choke back tears as he held me, and i let him do it even though this is way beyond our boundary codes. I have never been held that way in my life. He pulled away and pulled a necklace off his neck, one i had seen him wear ever since i could remember - and he stuffed it in my hand and walked away...and that was it. The slate was indeed wiped clean.
