I was changing. I didn't care anymore about being a vision of sexy or beautiful. I didn't want to work at something or fit into something. I just wanted to be me. I had been acting and modeling for ten years, and I was over it. I knew it when I had a modeling call about a year ago. It was a call for "great body, great legs - probably mostly shots from the back, please wear short shirts." I knew I should go, the agent had me confirmed. I woke up that morning, and didn't feel like shaving my legs. I wanted to write in my journal, and read. I went to the audition. I went with about a dozen other girls, I wore my short skirt, my legs were furry.
This is when I knew I was done. I didn't want to be a model anymore, I wanted to make a mold.
I wanted to sell soul, and not sex. Or maybe I simply wanted to sell sex with soul. I wanted to be whole. The whole me, not a version, or a vision, or a perception, or a feminine idealized prison. Only to be the real me.
I was shooting a music video a few moths ago, and someone came up to me and asked me if I was a model or an actress. I was rapping in that particular video, so I said, "I am a rapper." I felt this feeling of relief and joy wash over because I realized in that moment I was able to be whole. I was allowed to have an opinion and a voice in that statement, I wasn't an object anymore, I was a subject. I was no longer devoid of an internal experience as a 2-D person, and I wanted to be beautiful and sexy again, because I was allowed to do it with my whole self. Have a voice, make a choice to be the fullest most truly beautiful authentic version of yourself possible. I promise that your internal fulfillment and joyful contentment will thank you for the truth.
This is when I knew I was done. I didn't want to be a model anymore, I wanted to make a mold.
I wanted to sell soul, and not sex. Or maybe I simply wanted to sell sex with soul. I wanted to be whole. The whole me, not a version, or a vision, or a perception, or a feminine idealized prison. Only to be the real me.
I was shooting a music video a few moths ago, and someone came up to me and asked me if I was a model or an actress. I was rapping in that particular video, so I said, "I am a rapper." I felt this feeling of relief and joy wash over because I realized in that moment I was able to be whole. I was allowed to have an opinion and a voice in that statement, I wasn't an object anymore, I was a subject. I was no longer devoid of an internal experience as a 2-D person, and I wanted to be beautiful and sexy again, because I was allowed to do it with my whole self. Have a voice, make a choice to be the fullest most truly beautiful authentic version of yourself possible. I promise that your internal fulfillment and joyful contentment will thank you for the truth.
