Do You Feel like a Puma in a Gerbil Cage?

Many days I feel like a Puma in a Gerbil Cage. Yes, a Puma in a Gerbil Cage. I want to run faster, love fuller, laugh harder, and climb tress. Not a Bull in a China Shop. That's different, I'm agile, I can work around things and people. A Puma in a Gerbil Cage. The spaces feel too small, the little metal wheel is not gonna cut it, and I want to roam freely. I know people do it everyday. Adhere to the rat race, drive in the traffic, do the job they don't love, spend time with people they don't like, and are numb. Sometimes I wish I could pretend it's ok, but it's not. I must be honest with myself. I only have one life and I want to live it fully.

Photo by Allen Wyler

It's hard sometimes though, society isn't set up for people that don't play by the rules, that don't follow the path laid before them. We all want to blaze our own trail. I know why people don't do it often though. It's hard and scary, and there is a big risk in the unknown. They might currently value their comfort and being accepted - over love, connection, or service, and that's totally cool. But here's the thing....

The biggest thing that people regret on their death bed is living a life that was expected of them versus a life that was true to themselves. Number One regret: Not being true to yourself. Sometimes people have lied to themselves so long they don't even know what true to themself is anymore. Truth is a muscle, you don't use it, you lose it.  I've always done what I wanted to do, even if it swung around and kicked me in the butt. But mostly it didn't, mostly it gave me more than I could have ever expected. When you live like the puma - the gerbil cage won't cut it for long, it can't, you don't fit.

When people see you don't follow the mold they start to create space for you, they create opportunities for you, they write roles for you, they think outside that box with you, they change scripts for you. Everyone wants to support something that is true, it makes them feel true and so when you are true to yourself in all ways you are ultimately helping all those around you. My plea, don't try to fit your puma (feel free to substitute eagle/elephant/tiger etc.) into any sort of cage. Be you. Be the biggest, freest, boldest, fullest, happiest, truest version of yourself you can be. Freeing yourself frees others, and then space starts to mold to you instead of you molding to it and you can run, fly, and soar.

Everyone was born to live a life they love, to do what they love, spend time with people they love, and to serve humanity in a way that's brilliant. Good is not good enough - go for Incredible. Let the Puma run.

Who's Your Mother?

 I would like to acknowledge the role of mothers. I have not yet chosen to be a mother myself, and yet as an artist the past several years I have found some young mom roles coming my way. I found slowly but surely these roles not fully engaging me, as I thought they might. I had to sit with it and think about why. Why am I not interested in playing some of these roles, a mother is one of the greatest positions that one could take in this life. I looked at what I was being asked to do in these roles. I would like to share with you four major things that I have learned about being a mother from auditioning for or being cast in mom roles.

1. Cry it is the most reasonable response to any situation
2. Scream your child is about to die
3. Defer all language to the nearest man be it your husband a police or stranger and listen

4. You no longer have a name you are simply called Mom  

Photo by John Ulman

I have found in being cast in some of these roles that they are some of the harder roles I've had to play. Both with emotional conviction, without being able to flex a tremendous amount of words, and primarily being an appendage to the characters lives around you. I have yet encountered a mom role that had her own separate vision mission dreams.

I have found many of these depictions of mothers very painful  and not  fully honest. Maybe growing up I did not know my mother's full name had weight in the world, but when I googled her years later  I saw that she was a world advocate and the number one in her field globally. Her name had weight. I see my close friends going through very challenging times with children and never once have I seen them scream or defer their words to the nearest man. They don't have time, everyone else is loosing it and they are the grounding in chaos. I have seen mother's cry but generally it is after they have put their child in bed and they have a moment to release. When I see mothers working with men they fight to get their word in because they know what needs to be done with the child, for the family, and they have to be heard - they are the largest advocate. And while most moms are wonderful active listeners they have words of wisdom waiting for you when you are done spilling your guts.

So while I am in awe of mothers,  I find myself shying away from some mother roles in media these days. Let this be a call to us to show the reality of mother's strength both in front of the camera and behind . I also find when I have roles come my way that are smart, sexy, strong, and savvy characters they are almost always noncommittal and not mothers. Can we be all? Can we be smart, sexy, have a voice and be a mother? I know we can because I see it all the time with all the incredible mothers around me, I see it everyday in you mothers out there.

This message is a toast to all you mothers because I know how strong you are and how much you do. How often those little things you do are not acknowledged and also it is a plea that you are represented in reality in life, in our careers and professions, in media and artistry. And just for s**** and giggles I put a few audition tapes together of some mom rolls booked, call backed, not etc. and you will see the hilarity of these auditions... Thank you Mother's near far and wide for everything you do. I do hope to represent you more fully one day as society grows.

Mama Role Audition Sample

PS. If you want to see some great real mama stories please check out www.themamasagas.com it's the real deal representation of mothers everywhere. Thanks to my friend Saralyn Ward. Rock on Mama!

Free Yourself, Free the World

-Anonymous

Because I Value my Time...

Photo by Dawndra Budd
https://www.facebook.com/photographybydawndra/

 I did things that were meaningful to me because I valued my time. I spent time with my favorite people because I valued our time. I saw who you were when I saw where you spent your time. I knew what was important to you when I watched where you valued your time. Everyone always was too busy, but I always found the time because it was my time, and I could find as much of it or as little of it as I wanted because I valued my time because my time was the only thing that I had. 

I stayed with you while you were dying because I valued your time. I held you while you were in pain because I valued our time. I sat with you while you cried and I listened to you because with you I had nothing but time to kill.  No moment with you be it big or small was ever wasted time.  When I value my time everything happens in the nick of time. I said no to things I didn't want because I valued my time. I was honest about who I was because I valued our time. I let go of you when I needed to because I valued your time.  I made sure we were both getting something extraordinary out of our time because I valued our time. I realized a moment in time was all we were and so I valued it's time. I spent time with exactly who I wanted, I went exactly where I wanted, I did exactly what I wanted, and I was honest about it all because I valued my time because I valued your time because I valued our time. I always found the time for you and for everything we wanted to do because I valued you. I always found the time to do what I love because I value what I love, and there was nothing else to do with my time but what I love. I always found the time to be in this moment of time because this moment  in time is the only thing that we have and that is real.... because I value my time.

Tightening the Reigns

Photo by Allen Wyler

Boundaries...we all need them, but we avoid setting them because we hate to have people angry at us.  Many people avoid the uncomfortably of conflict and dissonance of addressing their needs or boundaries. Sometimes I have been a slow learner at this, I'm kind, I'm easy going, and I often assume people want the best for others and are always doing their best. But, you know what? Sometimes it's not the case, and what other people do is not ok, and it could hurt us or be very harmful to us.

Working with kids in prison helped me set boundaries, working with Hollywood producers helped me set boundaries...equally. But, honestly I am grateful to them, to all of them. Growing up as an only child in Ithaca, NY (rated the most enlightened city in the USA), I did not have a lot of experience setting boundaries. I didn't have to, no siblings - chill parents, chill city. Then I moved to Los Angels and was like "What is wrong with these people?!" And that's how I found my edge — thank you L.A.!

We need boundaries, because in knowing our limits we also begin to know ourselves, in being comfortable with not always having everyone around us like us, we begin to really like ourselves. It's an awesome byproduct. I'm not saying we go back to being two years old and say "No" to everything just because we are exercising our rights...just because we realize we can.  I'm saying KNOW yourself, listen to what you need, express it, assert it, and respect it...and I promise you others will respect it too. Someone close to me described it as "tightening the reigns". I loved this analogy, you tighten the reigns of how you wish for your trail to trotted on.  And, if for some reason others don't like it - let them go, there will be people  that will want the real you and all of you. You will start to feel the bliss and peace of being the true you and being with people that really love you for you, and there is nothing that is better than that. It all starts with a good old fashioned...NO... :) As a wise person from the #Me Too movement stated "Compassion, with out accountability and boundaries is enabling." So, guess what - it's not just better for you, it better for them as well as they grow on their path of love.

To Be Seen

Photo By Allen Wyler

One of life's greatest gifts is To Be Seen. It does not happen as much as it should. It is a busy world of assumptions, judgments, negativity, and criticism. We as a collective can be so caught up in our own head that sometimes we fail to really see others or be seen ourselves. Why? Because it's harder to see, it forces us to get outside of our self, to learn something new, to be humbled not to know.  So caught up in our own worlds that we fail to see both the truth and the beauty of the very thing that may be right in front of us. One of the experiences that makes us fly is being seen. I think of my greatest mentors, coaches, loves, friends, and family, and I know when I flourish under any time with these people is when I am truly seen for who I am. Conversely, when we are not seen for any reason we can crumple, feel invisible, and disappear. There are many reasons that we fail to really see others, often we are simply too self-involved, sometimes it's because our thick paradigms don't allow us to really hold compassion and presence for others. Other times what others are doing might be out of our realm of understanding and what we already know, and lastly what others may be may threaten our very experience of the world and how we view ourselves so we unconsciously try to not see them to protect ourselves. It is a vast and diverse world, and there is something to learn from everyone and everything around us, even those that we may perceive as not on the level that we hold ourselves to.

My partner noticed recently when I was in a group situation  - I went into a meditative state and just responded on time to the events, comments, weather, and whatever. I had to think about why I did that, because after some days spent with these people only one of them asked me about myself - and I had asked them all about themselves because I cared. It wasn't that I had an overwhelming need to talk about myself, but I did have a need for people to make the effort to see the world around them and to make genuine connections. I love the quote "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people." I had a desire for them to engage in an authentic way with those around them, to try to see who they are and to care. Ideas come from the space of getting into the unknown, and genuine loving exchanges means we are willing to learn from each other. The highest and most extraordinary form of seeing is to see someone even when they can no longer see themselves. It takes an extremely selfless and thoughtful person to do this. I have had this experience when I was in transitions and friends, a partner, or a mentor saw what was in me even when in the moment I could no longer see it in myself. It is the most profound gift. I have had the gift of seeing people that I love even when they are in pain and lost to themselves in a period of growth.

This is my plea. Relax your mind, let go of your own assumptions, and listen. Listen and learn.You might be surprised what you see. Others may look new to you, you may learn something about them and yourself, and I guarantee they will feel more seen. This creates connections, this creates community, this creates truth, ideas, and love. I promise to try to see each and every one of you when I am in the same space with you, I want to see you. I want to see the whole world and to be seen.

Last One on the Floor Wins...

My yoga teacher whispered as he left the yoga room... "Last One on the Floor Wins..." 

I cracked open my eyes and realized that I was the only one left in the room lying flat on my yoga mat resting and breathing after class. He smiled at me kindly, shut the door, turned off the lights and left. I lied back down as tears started trickling down my face hitting my yoga mat. Since I was little I have always done everything very slowly paced. It feels good to me. I move slow, I eat slow, I drive slow. As far as I know I'm the only person I have ever known that has gotten pulled over for driving too slow, he asked me why I was driving so slowly and I told him honestly that I was enjoying the view. He laughed, let me off the hook with a warning, and told me there were pull-outs for that. I remember being honked at in Los Angeles and looking up to see an elderly lady with big black glasses who could barely see over the steering wheel trying to pass me. My family poking fun of me for always being the last one eating, elderly men walking passed me as I'm walking down the beach at 25 years old, my teacher saying I shouldn't always be the last one to turn in my test because I always do well anyways. I do things slowly, I always have and I probably always will. That's my natural pace, it feels good for me. I don't think I realized though that until that moment there's a dissonance living in a world that is not quite at your pace. We live in a fast-paced society everyone wants to do everything quicker bigger faster now. Nature's at my pace, but not society. That was the first time in my life I think I have ever been praised for doing things slowly, and it made me tear up, it was hilarious. It felt good to not to have to defend or protect my own space or pace and to actually have someone say "hey good work at taking your time" for once! We all have a natural rhythm and it is all our own, and it is uniquely right for us. The Tortoise and the Hare, yeah that's kind of my story, but I will keep on plugging along at my own pace  - because all we have is our own personal race to enjoy...

Photo By Pete Ambrose

Nature Bathing

Photo by Valera Vulfson

Nature Bathing. It's a thing. Doctors write prescriptions for it now..."must take 3 one hour doses of pure nature 2 times a week". It's legit, we forget how much time we spend away from nature, inside buildings, covered in layers, no sun, no air, no views, no bare feet in the grass, often staring at a screen or working with machines for hours a day. We feel cabin fever, and get depressed and stir crazy and we wonder why. Every time I feel like I need space, I go spend time in nature. A walk outdoors, a romp in the grass, a sit on a rock, a lie on the beach, a run through the woods. I can feel the fresh air in my lungs, I can see the incredible mountains and sunset, my body relaxes, my mind slows down, and all is right in the world again. Mostly I feel connected to something bigger. I am reminded how small I am, how the problems of today will pass by in a flash, the birds will keep chirping, the bugs keep crawling, the trees swaying, and I am just one of the millions of creatures humming on this earth and it's all good. The other day I was lying flat out on the grass in a snow angel type position and a nice man walked up to me and asked if I was "OK." "Never Better!" I replied, "just soaking in the sun". He laughed and I could tell he was tickled my the simpleness of my actions, but it struck me funny that me just chilling in the grass was alarming. I get it, it's rare. Nature Bathing, it grounds us, literally putting our bare feet on the ground is great for our body and our soul, and makes us simply grateful to be alive and to experience it all.

The Love Balance...

Photo by Valera Vulfson

I have found myself more than ever trying to balance the delicate task of love and boundaries. It is easy for me to love, easy for me to understand people's pain, easy to get consumed in their needs and forget my own. And yet, I am finding the more that I mature the more I realize that giving people strong boundaries is loving them. Tough love is honest love, and is what I was given on many fronts as a child, and the things I didn't understand when I was younger are the things I am grateful for now. Boundaries cause growth and depth. Jesus was way ahead of the game years ago when he said we must teach a man to fish, instead of giving him a fish, and this is my method now with loving. Help people who are ready to help themselves. We can love, we can support, we can give, but at the end of the day they must do the work to be who they want to be. We are not helping them or ourselves by pouring tons of energy into people who are not ready for whatever reason, and we are not helping ourselves, we get taken off our own path and our purpose. So, I agree it is entirely possibly and necessary to love and not tolerate bullshit at the same time. It is a must for real love.

Emotional Labor Pains...

Photo by John Ulman

The joy is inside of us. We are all constantly looking for something outside of us to make us happy, but the true joy is really deep within. We know this, but we forget. I find it in silence, in stillness, in time with myself and creating space for truth. I can feel the ease, I can feel the dysfunction, I can feel what needs to be changed, moved or healed. I know life is busy. So much distraction, so much outward movement, but now is the time to go within. Be loving, but focus on what self is being, doing, and having. In the light of the letting go of many things I was hit with what felt like emotional labor pains. The kind of emotions that swell up so strongly you are not even sure what to do with them but watch them and listen. They have messages if you hear them, lessons if you listen, truths if you can speak from them. I had unexpressed anger that needed to get out, and the process of it coming up felt like emotional contractions, and all I could do was sit and breath through. I was not afraid anymore to speak my truth, I realized that is all that I had, and all that I valued. And, after the labor pains subsided, a new and even deeper joy was born. There is a lot going on in the world right now, politically, communally, socially, and it cant help but touch us all personally. The emotions free us, not trap us, and the truths heal us, and all we can do is be present with authenticity to go within to heal without. Then we can take action in our homes, community, business, nation, and planet from there, but don't be afraid of a few emotional labor pains in the process - you're birthing your greatest joy from within.