Running Away to get Close...

This week was a hard...there were some moments that I thought to myself. I don't know if I can do this. Sometimes working with theses kids feels like trying to fill the grand canyon with buckets of water from the ocean. A never ending task, and the kids in need just keep coming...

There was one boy who AWOLED from the facility (Absence with out Leave) and while he was running several guys tried to get him. They eventually asked me if I could try to get him, because we were fairly tight, and I caught up to him. As I got close it was hard to keep in stride because he was bigger then me...he saw me and then jay walked across the street. I didn't want to jay walk, so I stopped and watched him. When he saw that I had not caught up with him, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and then slowly turned around and leaned on a metal pole at the corner and looked at the ground. I watched completely in shock as this big seventeen year old kid who was "running away" waited for me. Time seemed to stand still as the green traffic light flickered and cars raced by. I could see him watching me through the cars, starring at me even though his head was still pointed towards the ground. He's waiting me for me...i kept thinking to myself...why is this kid that is running away waiting for me to catch up?

The traffic light turned yellow as cars started to slow down. Then red. I started to walk and as I put my head up and slowly and calmly moved towards him there was a burning sensation in my eyes. My head throbbed as I held back tears and moved closer towards him. He continued to wait standing there and then he looked up at me. His eyes were blood shot, his light black skin glowed in the dusky light, but there was a smile in his sadness. He put his hood back up and in his all black clothing he seemed to disappear into the city. Like a thousand other kids that sleep on the streets at night. We started to walk together in stride, not saying a word. He kept pace with me not going so fast that I would loose him. I looked at him and thought what can I do? What can I say to this kid to get him to come back? So I asked him...

"If you were me, and you were in my situation, what would you do?" The question seemed to shock him and linger, and he stayed silent and still for awhile, and then he said. "Let me make my own choice." I thought about it for a moment and bit my tongue while thousands of rebuttals popped into my head. Then I finally said..."What can I do to help?" And, as clearly and simply as I ever have heard in my life he said..."Walk with me." So I did, and we did. No one wants to be alone. No one who is running really ever wants to be alone. We all have to make our own choices, and sometimes it is hard, but in the end sometimes the best thing you can do, the most compassionate thing you can do is walk with them for a bit on their journey...

I wish him a peaceful ride.

The Uncommon Love Letter...

It's time to write a love letter. Forgive me, but to love something so much you loose sleep in concern for its' well being, because you think about it all the time you forget to eat, and every moment you are not with them you are thinking and planning about the next time that you will spend together...has not been in my mode of operation. Forever a free spirit, forever on the roam...this feeling is overwhelming, it's scary, but it's none the less the only thing that is true.

The object of my adoring both surprises me and also makes the most sense. You boys from prison. These young hero's from foster parents, gangs, orphaned, owned by the state, or from drug infested families are more strong, funny, honest, loyal, and simply more MAN than anyone I've met.

You've placed a tall order. I realize that I seek to become the biggest, most selfless, most honest, most real, deepest version of myself that I can become. And no one has allowed me to do that, has required that of me in the same way, until you. I never understood the value of loyalty until I saw 60 boys all not say a word because they didn't want to "snitch" on one boy regardless of the rewards offered. I've never seen humility and unawareness of the strength and the power one possesses...until I saw an 11 year old raise 5 younger siblings in an abandoned shed. I've never seen someone dive and throw them self in front of a whizzing baseball, or climb the top of a roof just to protect the life of another. There is anger inside you, but there is much more forgiveness...forgiveness to people who have hurt you and atrocities endured that I could not even begin to understand the pain. I make mistakes, I make them all the time, and when I do , you shrug and smile and say it's no problem. No grudges, no counts of yesterdays wrongs, today is ALWAYS new, always a fresh day with new circumstances.

You ask me how I'm doing no matter how terrible your situation is at the moment, and a smile, a hug, and an unbelievable sense of humor or wise crack is never more then a moment away. You push boundaries, but it only makes me appreciate you all the more because I realize I push boundaries too, and there is nothing wrong with testing the limits. Many people were afraid of me spending time with you, even most of you yourselves warned me not to. They say that you are the toughest "population"...but I've found that you are not a population, you are an endless army of unique and glorious men that have simply been hurt. If you don't walk to the edge you will never see what's out there, and only with you pushing me have I been able to see what was inside of me. You are not afraid of feelings, not afraid to fight for what you need, and not concerned with what it looks like, how it sounds or if it makes people mad. There is a never a moment that goes by that something unexpected doesn't happen, and I have had to throw expectations out of my vocabulary. Volatile: yes, dangerous: sometimes, boring: never. There is a clarity and a purity in that, and I for one find it incredibly refreshing and intimate. It scares me in moments when I feel closer to some of you, then friends I've had for years. I always feel that you have my back, that you genuinely want what is best for me. Why? Because you go there. Where is there? Anywhere that needs to be gone that most people are afraid to go, you say it. And that is the only territory, the only path I'm really interested in, the real one.

I cannot tell you that I love you...it would entirely inappropriate and confusing. But maybe, just maybe, I can share this love with other people, express it, so that in some small way I might be able to put back into the world and inspire others to feel a fraction of the love that you have bestowed upon me....love is getting outside yourself to nurture other's growth even in times when you are past your own limits, desires, or need gratifications. It's an action, a simple gesture of no matter if you hate me I will not let you fall...it rarely flatters, is often messy, always honest, but it's the most fulfilling, lasting satisfaction one can find on this earth.

My darlings, I Love You...and on the "low key" you blow the roof off what I thought was possible both in life and in love.