The object of my adoring both surprises me and also makes the most sense. You boys from prison. These young hero's from foster parents, gangs, orphaned, owned by the state, or from drug infested families are more strong, funny, honest, loyal, and simply more MAN than anyone I've met.
You've placed a tall order. I realize that I seek to become the biggest, most selfless, most honest, most real, deepest version of myself that I can become. And no one has allowed me to do that, has required that of me in the same way, until you. I never understood the value of loyalty until I saw 60 boys all not say a word because they didn't want to "snitch" on one boy regardless of the rewards offered. I've never seen humility and unawareness of the strength and the power one possesses...until I saw an 11 year old raise 5 younger siblings in an abandoned shed. I've never seen someone dive and throw them self in front of a whizzing baseball, or climb the top of a roof just to protect the life of another. There is anger inside you, but there is much more forgiveness...forgiveness to people who have hurt you and atrocities endured that I could not even begin to understand the pain. I make mistakes, I make them all the time, and when I do , you shrug and smile and say it's no problem. No grudges, no counts of yesterdays wrongs, today is ALWAYS new, always a fresh day with new circumstances.
You ask me how I'm doing no matter how terrible your situation is at the moment, and a smile, a hug, and an unbelievable sense of humor or wise crack is never more then a moment away. You push boundaries, but it only makes me appreciate you all the more because I realize I push boundaries too, and there is nothing wrong with testing the limits. Many people were afraid of me spending time with you, even most of you yourselves warned me not to. They say that you are the toughest "population"...but I've found that you are not a population, you are an endless army of unique and glorious men that have simply been hurt. If you don't walk to the edge you will never see what's out there, and only with you pushing me have I been able to see what was inside of me. You are not afraid of feelings, not afraid to fight for what you need, and not concerned with what it looks like, how it sounds or if it makes people mad. There is a never a moment that goes by that something unexpected doesn't happen, and I have had to throw expectations out of my vocabulary. Volatile: yes, dangerous: sometimes, boring: never. There is a clarity and a purity in that, and I for one find it incredibly refreshing and intimate. It scares me in moments when I feel closer to some of you, then friends I've had for years. I always feel that you have my back, that you genuinely want what is best for me. Why? Because you go there. Where is there? Anywhere that needs to be gone that most people are afraid to go, you say it. And that is the only territory, the only path I'm really interested in, the real one.
I cannot tell you that I love you...it would entirely inappropriate and confusing. But maybe, just maybe, I can share this love with other people, express it, so that in some small way I might be able to put back into the world and inspire others to feel a fraction of the love that you have bestowed upon me....love is getting outside yourself to nurture other's growth even in times when you are past your own limits, desires, or need gratifications. It's an action, a simple gesture of no matter if you hate me I will not let you fall...it rarely flatters, is often messy, always honest, but it's the most fulfilling, lasting satisfaction one can find on this earth.
My darlings, I Love You...and on the "low key" you blow the roof off what I thought was possible both in life and in love.
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