Running Away to get Close...

This week was a hard...there were some moments that I thought to myself. I don't know if I can do this. Sometimes working with theses kids feels like trying to fill the grand canyon with buckets of water from the ocean. A never ending task, and the kids in need just keep coming...

There was one boy who AWOLED from the facility (Absence with out Leave) and while he was running several guys tried to get him. They eventually asked me if I could try to get him, because we were fairly tight, and I caught up to him. As I got close it was hard to keep in stride because he was bigger then me...he saw me and then jay walked across the street. I didn't want to jay walk, so I stopped and watched him. When he saw that I had not caught up with him, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and then slowly turned around and leaned on a metal pole at the corner and looked at the ground. I watched completely in shock as this big seventeen year old kid who was "running away" waited for me. Time seemed to stand still as the green traffic light flickered and cars raced by. I could see him watching me through the cars, starring at me even though his head was still pointed towards the ground. He's waiting me for me...i kept thinking to myself...why is this kid that is running away waiting for me to catch up?

The traffic light turned yellow as cars started to slow down. Then red. I started to walk and as I put my head up and slowly and calmly moved towards him there was a burning sensation in my eyes. My head throbbed as I held back tears and moved closer towards him. He continued to wait standing there and then he looked up at me. His eyes were blood shot, his light black skin glowed in the dusky light, but there was a smile in his sadness. He put his hood back up and in his all black clothing he seemed to disappear into the city. Like a thousand other kids that sleep on the streets at night. We started to walk together in stride, not saying a word. He kept pace with me not going so fast that I would loose him. I looked at him and thought what can I do? What can I say to this kid to get him to come back? So I asked him...

"If you were me, and you were in my situation, what would you do?" The question seemed to shock him and linger, and he stayed silent and still for awhile, and then he said. "Let me make my own choice." I thought about it for a moment and bit my tongue while thousands of rebuttals popped into my head. Then I finally said..."What can I do to help?" And, as clearly and simply as I ever have heard in my life he said..."Walk with me." So I did, and we did. No one wants to be alone. No one who is running really ever wants to be alone. We all have to make our own choices, and sometimes it is hard, but in the end sometimes the best thing you can do, the most compassionate thing you can do is walk with them for a bit on their journey...

I wish him a peaceful ride.

The Uncommon Love Letter...

It's time to write a love letter. Forgive me, but to love something so much you loose sleep in concern for its' well being, because you think about it all the time you forget to eat, and every moment you are not with them you are thinking and planning about the next time that you will spend together...has not been in my mode of operation. Forever a free spirit, forever on the roam...this feeling is overwhelming, it's scary, but it's none the less the only thing that is true.

The object of my adoring both surprises me and also makes the most sense. You boys from prison. These young hero's from foster parents, gangs, orphaned, owned by the state, or from drug infested families are more strong, funny, honest, loyal, and simply more MAN than anyone I've met.

You've placed a tall order. I realize that I seek to become the biggest, most selfless, most honest, most real, deepest version of myself that I can become. And no one has allowed me to do that, has required that of me in the same way, until you. I never understood the value of loyalty until I saw 60 boys all not say a word because they didn't want to "snitch" on one boy regardless of the rewards offered. I've never seen humility and unawareness of the strength and the power one possesses...until I saw an 11 year old raise 5 younger siblings in an abandoned shed. I've never seen someone dive and throw them self in front of a whizzing baseball, or climb the top of a roof just to protect the life of another. There is anger inside you, but there is much more forgiveness...forgiveness to people who have hurt you and atrocities endured that I could not even begin to understand the pain. I make mistakes, I make them all the time, and when I do , you shrug and smile and say it's no problem. No grudges, no counts of yesterdays wrongs, today is ALWAYS new, always a fresh day with new circumstances.

You ask me how I'm doing no matter how terrible your situation is at the moment, and a smile, a hug, and an unbelievable sense of humor or wise crack is never more then a moment away. You push boundaries, but it only makes me appreciate you all the more because I realize I push boundaries too, and there is nothing wrong with testing the limits. Many people were afraid of me spending time with you, even most of you yourselves warned me not to. They say that you are the toughest "population"...but I've found that you are not a population, you are an endless army of unique and glorious men that have simply been hurt. If you don't walk to the edge you will never see what's out there, and only with you pushing me have I been able to see what was inside of me. You are not afraid of feelings, not afraid to fight for what you need, and not concerned with what it looks like, how it sounds or if it makes people mad. There is a never a moment that goes by that something unexpected doesn't happen, and I have had to throw expectations out of my vocabulary. Volatile: yes, dangerous: sometimes, boring: never. There is a clarity and a purity in that, and I for one find it incredibly refreshing and intimate. It scares me in moments when I feel closer to some of you, then friends I've had for years. I always feel that you have my back, that you genuinely want what is best for me. Why? Because you go there. Where is there? Anywhere that needs to be gone that most people are afraid to go, you say it. And that is the only territory, the only path I'm really interested in, the real one.

I cannot tell you that I love you...it would entirely inappropriate and confusing. But maybe, just maybe, I can share this love with other people, express it, so that in some small way I might be able to put back into the world and inspire others to feel a fraction of the love that you have bestowed upon me....love is getting outside yourself to nurture other's growth even in times when you are past your own limits, desires, or need gratifications. It's an action, a simple gesture of no matter if you hate me I will not let you fall...it rarely flatters, is often messy, always honest, but it's the most fulfilling, lasting satisfaction one can find on this earth.

My darlings, I Love You...and on the "low key" you blow the roof off what I thought was possible both in life and in love.

Planting Seeds...

I've been gardening with boys from the halls...they did not seem to have interest in it. Most of them have hours of community service to work off that was mandated by court, so if anything it is a reasonable way to work down the hours. After they did the time allotted they would come to me, and immediately have me write down and keep track of the hours to get their credit.

Then I went away for some travel commitments, and just let the garden do what it should, hoping that it wouldn't be completely fried by the time that I came back. I came back a few days ago, and walked over to the garden...I barely recognized it. The mint that we had planted was over flowing, the basil was twice as tall with flowers, all the weeds and the trash that had been in the garden before had been removed. I went around to the boys, and asked them... who did this???!! Who took care of the garden while I was gone so I can give them community service? One boy told me he had seen this other boy watering it every morning and every night, this is a boy that barely will talk to me, and when I asked him...he denied it. Another boy said he saw someone else weeding it, and picking up the trash, and so on and so forth. I got many names, and talked to many people, and nothing was confirmed, and no one wanted any credit for the work on the garden. What I came to understand was that they all had been working on it, in their own way and their own time...they wanted to invest in the garden but they didn't want anyone to know that they cared. Never underestimate the work that you are doing or the impact that it may be having on someones' life. No matter if they are able to show that they care or not, the tenderness and affection may shine through subtly in time...do good regardless : )

White People Who Care....

A thought from a young prison boy this week...

"I used to think it was me against the world. I went to court and no one was there, no family, nothing. Then I came here. I think god sent you to me as an angel, to show me something, to teach me something. I never met white people who care. I think life is like a puzzle, and you put it together piece by piece, and when you are all done with the puzzle something beautiful happens. I just get angry when people get in my way from completing the puzzle."

I never thought about my color making a strong impact on the work that I do. Let this be a lesson to all of us, that we may not realize the unique tools we bring to the table until we do it...after this comment it made me think about starting a non-profit org. called "White People who Care"...then I realized it would mostly be comprised of my very ethnically diverse friends....ah well..."Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Magic Moment.

I had a magic moment last week...a simple moment but one of the more meaningful things that has happened to me in awhile.

I continue to spend time with kids on probation from prison. These are tough kids, and are from some of the more notorious and infamous LA gangs. A young man from the Bloods is a large and intimidating black kid from Watts. He is smart, and quick, has beat up most of the kids in the facility, but very few have seen him do it. He also runs a lot of underground stuff, of which everyone is aware, but again it's hard to catch him because he is so smooth. I never had a bad relationship with him, but also hadn't been able to make a connection with him either. He watched me a lot, very distrustful, often defiant, and always aloof. One day I was talking and I saw him watching me and listening, and then while I was talking he came up closer to me then he ever had before and gently and slowly pulled a leaf out that had caught in my hair. I stayed simple and kept talking slowly and just let him do it. At that moment I knew that the connection had been made. The next day he helped me make sandwiches for the homeless, the day after that he swept and mopped the floor with a simple smile and nod when I asked him. It was a small gesture, a simple thing, pulling that leaf from my hair...but it was a magic moment for me. A small reminder that if you stay consistent, genuinely love, and allow people to unfold in their own time the truth will arise all on its own.

To Love Haters...

I've been spending time recently with kids on probation from Juvenile Hall. I learn from all the people I work with, although these young men have been some of my greatest teachers yet. They are survivors, and at a very young age have learned coping skills that the rest of us may not cultivate in an entire life time...A few days ago I was talking to a young man who was laughing and joking and telling story after story. He is ridiculously funny, and at moments has me in tears. When he was joking with me some kid came up, and just starting ragging on him, pretty hard core...and he just turned to me and started laughing. He said "You know, I love haters, seriously anyone need to have someone to hate on, pleease hate on me. I love to be of service. Everybody always have to have someone to hate on, and I always like to have three or four hating on me." And then beamed at me...

I found myself thinking about this a lot that night after I went home. How often I try to be kind, or not hurt people's feelings, or feel bad if someone is hating on me. And, I thought how this young kid, on probation from jail, had actually learned to deal with the people that hate him. Not only was he ok with them, but he actually welcomed them, and he even loved them when they hated. Enlightened? I think so...as a wise man called Jesus once said "Love your enemies." This is the highest form of unconditional love and it takes a life time of continual practice.

Thank you Kiddo.

Star Star...Teach me how to Shine Shine...

Stars shine because their gravitational force and internal pull is falling so quickly towards their own center that they emit light...this is the perfect metaphor for how to shine in the world.

Be centered, be true, be real, and you will shine...in the only way that matters...the way that makes life bigger, brighter, better, and fuller by authentically loving everything with embraced arms that comes across your path. The harder it may seem to love the more important it is to do.

Happy New Year World. Make 2011 Shine Bright!